Sunday, September 2, 2012

Not my girls

Starting this past Thursday, my mom and I have been staying at Ronald McDonald so I can see the babies more.  (I'm going to post about our weekend here later).  At first it was really great being here and seeing the girls all day, several days in a row.  But now, its just getting to me really hard and in some since I wonder why am I even here.  My girls don't feel like my girls, especially Lorelei.  I go into their room, say "hi" to Lorelei, hold (usually skin-to-skin) Ainsley for hours, say good-bye to her, say good-bye to Lorelei, and that's it.  I can't hold Lorelei, which is hard enough, but now I can't even touch her.  It's not that I am not allowed to, but every time I do she starts freaking out.  She "cries" and "screams" (no tears or sound due to the tube) and turns dark red to a purple or black color and starts moving around a lot which just hurts her more because of the tube, etc.  She does it every time, so I can't even touch her.  When I am in the chair holding Ainsley I am always looking at Lorelei - but even then I usually can only see maybe her foot or hand and part of her head.  She is rarely awake too.  I don't know what happened to that cute little girl with the big bright eyes.  I feel like a bad parent, or not a parent at all .. at least not to them.  Lorelei is suppose to have surgery on Monday or Tuesday.. but that still seems too far to me and its only Saturday night.  She needs to start getting better NOW.  And she can't even start to get better in the slightest way until she gets the surgery.  And even Ainsley is going nowhere.  Still not on the CPAP like they have almost put her on many times, tried nippling once on Thursday - she only did 2ml. - And I am still really upset that they didn't tell us they were going to do that, but I requested many times that they let us know ahead of time so we could be there. - They just let her sleep through all of her feedings, so when they do try to nipple her again, she will be too sleepy.  And she isn't going to ever get and interest in it because all she knows is that she sleeps and still get food in her tummy.

Then I had to call Brian... big mistake.  He is out at the bar drinking instead of being here.  He clams he is coming her tomorrow afternoon, but I said (just like I always say when he is out late when we have plans the next day) "no you are at the bar which means you will sleep most of the day away tomorrow" and he got pissed off.  I just really can't take any of this anymore.  I think I'm going to take a shower just so I have a place to go cry.

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